What of this song called life?

To remain independent is altogether impossible. I have given myself to connection. Therein lies the complexity.

To remain independent would be completely freeing. To have full control over decisions, emotions, thoughts, actions. Even greater than the freedom of remaining independent is the safety in maintaining independence while standing alongside another human being. That, in itself, is a miraculous occasion: where one constantly gives of themselves for the sake of the other, consistently pressing the other on towards independence and freedom, while offering that individual safety, belonging, love, trust, and respect as they do so. It’s as if the freedom has more benefits than just the enjoyment of freedom. The freedom of independence is now accompanied by a sweeter note. The chord of breathing has now been joined by the notes of healthy connection.

But is this an actual possibility? For even in the beauty of connection there lies a tension that begins to draw those same sweet notes into a sour, drawn-out melody. The light freedom of health has now become a confusion of sound. How does one begin to maintain their independence while seeking to live alongside another individual? Should that question even be asked? Or should the question be asked, “How do I press this other individual on towards their own independence, while still pulling them closer into the depth of safety, belonging, love, trust, and respect?” Where should the focus be? And what if the latter question is interpreted as a distancing mechanism? Then we begin to find the song of life is grinding itself through the tedious gears of hurt.

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To show an individual that you care deeply is an action that has never been perfected. It takes a great deal of time, often years, to even begin to establish that simple fact as truth. Regardless of the depth of feeling involved, there are numerous factors that work against the promotion of that concept.

There are two concepts that might seem vaguely related to this issue, but in the case in which I find myself, play crucial roles: trust (along with the issue of distancing), and information.

Regarding absolute trust. It’s difficult. If not impossible.

Regarding partial, or even great amounts of trust. It’s still difficult. Though possibly not impossible. Can trust be a choice? Is it chosen in the way that one decides upon which groceries to purchase? Or is it chosen in the way that one might choose a favorite color? Because of its appeal to them? Or, is trust altogether different? Does it just happen to a person? Does trust come upon us suddenly when we begin to realize a confidence that we might have in another individual that had failed to exist prior to that point in time?

What if the latter was the case? Would there be any hope for trust? Would trust honestly ever enter our lives if we did not, in some ways, pursue it? Granted, trust is a complicated occurrence. Concepts including the level of safety one feels, emotional connection, and personal health all play a role in the growth of trust within a connection between two individuals.

However, suppose the former were to be true. Suppose trust could, in most ways, be a choice. What then? Would we choose it? Would the danger of what might occur be enough to keep us from the freedom that most certainly would grow if trust existed? I suppose this comes down, then, to a question of motivation, of drive. What might press a person to choose either option? Or maybe it is not so much choosing to not choose trust as it might be simply choosing something else? It could even be something guised under a mask of “safety”, or “self-protection”, or even “boundaries”. But what about the concept of fear? What role might fear play in this whole mess of interrelated concepts and theories that, when placed in a person’s life, render that person altogether incapable of bringing all things together in harmony, much as a symphony is composed of multitudes of sections, melodies, instruments, lines, chords, notes?

This brings me to the concept of distancing. Self-preservation. Walls. The illusion of safety.

Regarding the distancing of oneself, there are several things it accomplishes. I would like to list a few below.
Fear.
Hurt.
Distrust.
Lack of communication.
Distance.

On to the topic of information. The sharing of information between any two or more given individuals is often a prime means of fostering deeper connection between those individuals. However, health is often found as one keeps two thoughts in mind regarding information.

First, the amount of information shared is not a measurement of the closeness between those with which the information is or is not being shared. This is crucial. Without an understanding of this fact, one’s composition of trust will most certainly be negatively affected.

Second, and much related to the first, the sharing of information often requires great amounts of trust, respect, mutual understanding, and time – but above all other things, time. Patience is crucial. If one believes they are entitled to the sharing of information from another individual, they are doing an injustice to all parties involved. No single human being is entitled to the life of another human being, in any form, regardless of any connection between the individuals involved. Rather, any information shared is a gift. It should only be given by the one offering. Never should information be demanded or taken from any individual – again, regardless of any connection between the individuals involved.

Information is a gift. It is the sharing of one's life. The human person is a beautiful complex miracle. To treat it with the simplicity of selfish desires is an injustice.

this is good.

but hard.

The next couple of years may be the best or the worst years of my life. Part of me wants to fast forward just so I can know if everything will be ok.

two things

one:

I love people. Sometimes, people don't love people like they should. This makes me frustrated and upset. Instead of focussing on loving people, I begin to focus on the fact that people don't love people well and I just get more upset. Then I get upset at myself for being upset instead of loving, which is what I get upset at other people for doing in the first place.

two:

What is with this guilt and shame shit? I still feel like who I am is bad. I've felt shame and guilt my entire life. Sometimes have been better than others. But there's something in me, something I can't shake, something that tells me I'm wrong, I'm bad, I'm not enough, I'm too much.

I'm happy. I'm very happy, damn it. Why isn't that ok?

a recent question...

From where does this idea come that we should protect or look out for ourselves?
Is self-preservation something we are called to?

life is so damn confusing

Call me Augustine

So I have a confession...

Lately I've been really trying to seek out what God's will is for my life. What does God have for me? What is He calling me to? How do I follow Him? Where? In what?

So all of these things are real lofty goals and all, yeah? Like it's good that I'm wondering about them and seeking out the answers to those questions and all, right?

Uh, 'xcept here's the thing. I'm so busy seeking out what God has for me, 'cause I believe it's good, that I forget to seek out God. Pretty selfish, huh. I want what God has for me. But do I want God? Am I spending as much time thinking about Him as I am about what He has for me? Lately, I haven't been.

So that's my confession. Seems simple. Didn't even occur to me until a few hours ago.

So today I choose to not worry about what He has planned for me. Today I choose to try to stop being so selfish in always asking God for His blessing and will in my life to be done. Today I simply choose Jesus. The Man. The Person. The God. Jesus. How about I start trying to get to know Him first, eh?