this is good.

but hard.

The next couple of years may be the best or the worst years of my life. Part of me wants to fast forward just so I can know if everything will be ok.

two things

one:

I love people. Sometimes, people don't love people like they should. This makes me frustrated and upset. Instead of focussing on loving people, I begin to focus on the fact that people don't love people well and I just get more upset. Then I get upset at myself for being upset instead of loving, which is what I get upset at other people for doing in the first place.

two:

What is with this guilt and shame shit? I still feel like who I am is bad. I've felt shame and guilt my entire life. Sometimes have been better than others. But there's something in me, something I can't shake, something that tells me I'm wrong, I'm bad, I'm not enough, I'm too much.

I'm happy. I'm very happy, damn it. Why isn't that ok?

a recent question...

From where does this idea come that we should protect or look out for ourselves?
Is self-preservation something we are called to?

life is so damn confusing

Call me Augustine

So I have a confession...

Lately I've been really trying to seek out what God's will is for my life. What does God have for me? What is He calling me to? How do I follow Him? Where? In what?

So all of these things are real lofty goals and all, yeah? Like it's good that I'm wondering about them and seeking out the answers to those questions and all, right?

Uh, 'xcept here's the thing. I'm so busy seeking out what God has for me, 'cause I believe it's good, that I forget to seek out God. Pretty selfish, huh. I want what God has for me. But do I want God? Am I spending as much time thinking about Him as I am about what He has for me? Lately, I haven't been.

So that's my confession. Seems simple. Didn't even occur to me until a few hours ago.

So today I choose to not worry about what He has planned for me. Today I choose to try to stop being so selfish in always asking God for His blessing and will in my life to be done. Today I simply choose Jesus. The Man. The Person. The God. Jesus. How about I start trying to get to know Him first, eh?

complexity and confusion

13 days from comfort
12 days since goodbye
8 days until the beginning
a tomorrow away from what's right

always, and yet never
ending, and yet forever

somewhere a hope
always to try
sometimes found safe
maybe alright

not exactly Christmas

it's the most difficult time of the year...

Thankfully, that's not all...

the bitterness of brokenness

Life is broken.

Life is tainted.

Life is twisted.

Life is screwed up.

Life is confusing.

Life is stupid.

Life sucks.

And by life, I mean the death that happened to life.

the hijack of Love

There are times when I think that, because of how screwed up I really am, people would be better without me. I don't mean this in a self-pity sort of feel sorry for me way. I mean that honestly, I see my faults and can't imagine how they could possibly benefit others.

What I don't understand is that God has wired me to need people. Probably the single biggest passion in my life is people.

So how does that make any sense? I am created in a way that is meant to relate with people. I am meant to love.

And yet, I can't get past myself in order to do that. I cannot get past the tangled mess of who I am.

I am meant to love. Yes. But not with my love. My love is tainted, broken, selfish, prideful, and twisted.

I am meant to love. Yes. I am meant to love with His love. I am meant to express Him.

But what of this constant struggle to get over myself, to get past myself, to lose myself?

I need His love to hijack my love. I need His love to take over, to capture, to seize my love and drown it.

I want His love to become the love inside my struggling heart.

there's beauty found in the hope of a new day...

to say it will be ok...

The core of who I am is deeply affected by music and by art.
I wish there was a song to sing, I wish there was a painting to portray.
It's hard to describe my heart using words. It's hard to describe how I feel and what I think. I'm not even sure myself. It's always a foggy day. The clouds rarely lift. But one thing I can manage to identify in spite of the clouds and the fog......hope.

I need hope. I must have hope. I can't breathe, can't live, can't love without hope. The moment I let go of hope, what else do I have? Nothing matters without hope. There is no good without hope.

Some would say hope is irrational.
Maybe.
Some would say hope is blind.
Maybe.
Some would say hope is foolish.
Maybe.

I say hope is rational.
I say hope is when we really see.
I say hope is one of the wisest things a person can do.

I need hope. I need you to hope.

Let's hope.

so broken

I think I'm confused.

I think that the way I relate to people, well, apparently it doesn't exactly work out like I intend for it to.

I love. People hurt.

I don't get it. It doesn't make sense.

I see that I'm flawed. That I'm not good. That who I am and how I am fails people.

Everything I want is for that to be not true. I want to be good for those around me.

Everything I observe only continues to affirm that is the case.

I have no idea where to start. How do I make things better.......?

love as an emotion

I think that often people only think of love as an action, as a verb. "I love ______."

I found myself the other day feeling love as an emotion. Interesting concept.
As in I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling happy. I'm feeling confused. I'm feeling love.

I don't mean that I feel love from others, although I do. But simply that my emotion, at times, is love. I don't know how else to explain it.

repetitive, simple, and beautiful: love.

my love will fail.
the Love of Christ will always satisfy.
may that Love be found in my life.

just love.

love.
love.
love.

what the world needs is 2 things. 1, for people to understand one another. completely. fully. every aspect. every facet. 2, for people to have a desire to empower those around them. if people understand one another, and seek to build one another up, what would that do?

i don't understand.
but i want to empower.

people have incredible potential.
wow.
so much.

why doesn't everyone see that?

beyond that, one of the hardest things for people to see, at least for christians, is the potential in themselves.
what would things be like if people knew the potential they have - and used it in a responsible and humble way, for the benefit of others?

so this is all rambling.
not written well.
not put together nicely.
just words.
just letters.
just thoughts.

it's all i've got.