The next couple of years may be the best or the worst years of my life. Part of me wants to fast forward just so I can know if everything will be ok.

two things

one:

I love people. Sometimes, people don't love people like they should. This makes me frustrated and upset. Instead of focussing on loving people, I begin to focus on the fact that people don't love people well and I just get more upset. Then I get upset at myself for being upset instead of loving, which is what I get upset at other people for doing in the first place.

two:

What is with this guilt and shame shit? I still feel like who I am is bad. I've felt shame and guilt my entire life. Sometimes have been better than others. But there's something in me, something I can't shake, something that tells me I'm wrong, I'm bad, I'm not enough, I'm too much.

I'm happy. I'm very happy, damn it. Why isn't that ok?

a recent question...

From where does this idea come that we should protect or look out for ourselves?
Is self-preservation something we are called to?

life is so damn confusing

Call me Augustine

So I have a confession...

Lately I've been really trying to seek out what God's will is for my life. What does God have for me? What is He calling me to? How do I follow Him? Where? In what?

So all of these things are real lofty goals and all, yeah? Like it's good that I'm wondering about them and seeking out the answers to those questions and all, right?

Uh, 'xcept here's the thing. I'm so busy seeking out what God has for me, 'cause I believe it's good, that I forget to seek out God. Pretty selfish, huh. I want what God has for me. But do I want God? Am I spending as much time thinking about Him as I am about what He has for me? Lately, I haven't been.

So that's my confession. Seems simple. Didn't even occur to me until a few hours ago.

So today I choose to not worry about what He has planned for me. Today I choose to try to stop being so selfish in always asking God for His blessing and will in my life to be done. Today I simply choose Jesus. The Man. The Person. The God. Jesus. How about I start trying to get to know Him first, eh?

complexity and confusion

13 days from comfort
12 days since goodbye
8 days until the beginning
a tomorrow away from what's right

always, and yet never
ending, and yet forever

somewhere a hope
always to try
sometimes found safe
maybe alright

not exactly Christmas

it's the most difficult time of the year...