Call me Augustine

So I have a confession...

Lately I've been really trying to seek out what God's will is for my life. What does God have for me? What is He calling me to? How do I follow Him? Where? In what?

So all of these things are real lofty goals and all, yeah? Like it's good that I'm wondering about them and seeking out the answers to those questions and all, right?

Uh, 'xcept here's the thing. I'm so busy seeking out what God has for me, 'cause I believe it's good, that I forget to seek out God. Pretty selfish, huh. I want what God has for me. But do I want God? Am I spending as much time thinking about Him as I am about what He has for me? Lately, I haven't been.

So that's my confession. Seems simple. Didn't even occur to me until a few hours ago.

So today I choose to not worry about what He has planned for me. Today I choose to try to stop being so selfish in always asking God for His blessing and will in my life to be done. Today I simply choose Jesus. The Man. The Person. The God. Jesus. How about I start trying to get to know Him first, eh?

complexity and confusion

13 days from comfort
12 days since goodbye
8 days until the beginning
a tomorrow away from what's right

always, and yet never
ending, and yet forever

somewhere a hope
always to try
sometimes found safe
maybe alright

not exactly Christmas

it's the most difficult time of the year...

Thankfully, that's not all...

the bitterness of brokenness

Life is broken.

Life is tainted.

Life is twisted.

Life is screwed up.

Life is confusing.

Life is stupid.

Life sucks.

And by life, I mean the death that happened to life.

the hijack of Love

There are times when I think that, because of how screwed up I really am, people would be better without me. I don't mean this in a self-pity sort of feel sorry for me way. I mean that honestly, I see my faults and can't imagine how they could possibly benefit others.

What I don't understand is that God has wired me to need people. Probably the single biggest passion in my life is people.

So how does that make any sense? I am created in a way that is meant to relate with people. I am meant to love.

And yet, I can't get past myself in order to do that. I cannot get past the tangled mess of who I am.

I am meant to love. Yes. But not with my love. My love is tainted, broken, selfish, prideful, and twisted.

I am meant to love. Yes. I am meant to love with His love. I am meant to express Him.

But what of this constant struggle to get over myself, to get past myself, to lose myself?

I need His love to hijack my love. I need His love to take over, to capture, to seize my love and drown it.

I want His love to become the love inside my struggling heart.

there's beauty found in the hope of a new day...